What got left behind?

Living on rent is a tiring life. Constantly changing houses, moving out, packing, unpacking, never settling.

Every house has a story. Most are just structures. You create a new story in each. Then you move on to the next.

Some, however, come with their own stories. These are always mysteries. Sometimes, something, stays behind after the previous tenants are gone.

It permeates the walls. Seeps through the floors. Whistles from gaps in windows. Hangs heavily from the ceiling.

Enters our life. Uninvited. Uncalled for.

Many years ago, we left a story behind in our own house, when we sold it. Our story ended there but I am sure something got left behind. I don't know how that story affected the new owners.

This time, Life gave a payback. A story lives here. Untold.
It defeated me. Broke me. Drove me out.

Less than 48 hours left here now. We are going away. We surrender.

Last thoughts?
A deep sense of Gratitude for this house. It is shelter - a place where we laughed, lived, celebrated, those small wins. This unknown story of this house made me stronger spiritually. It made me a better person. It brought out maturity, humility, patience.

This story insidiously burrowed into my well laid out plans. Effectively destroyed them. Ate away all remnants of ego. Broke all my defences.

I have better prospects now. Stronger will. Thankful, is what I feel for being broken. I got time to recoup, rebuild, reform.

My faith is so strong, that I am leaving a part of my story behind now. The story which I know well. That story which knows no defeat. The brooding energy of this house will be destroyed after we have physically vacated it, because my story will stay to fight. I want to make sure that the story in this house doesn't destroy the tenants who come after me.

My faith, love, strength, optimism, GRATITUDE, will stay behind. This house will become a positive structure for whoever lives here once we are gone.

Thank you for all you gave me. Thank you what you took away. Thank you for removing my doubts. Thank you for strengthening my beliefs. All I feel for you is gratitude.

Thank you!

Land of Lore

If only the rocks
Would talk

If only the trees
Condescend to please

What have they seen?
What did they hear?
What secrets do they carry?
Of travellers who tarry.

If only I knew
Of all those
Who walked through
This world 'fore me

If only I saw
The glories of past
The victories of old
All ancient deeds

Tales of the bygone
Era of unknown
Times of the past
Tense and glad, all

No I won't abide
In the present of time
My heart beset of lore
Of days past galore

Those gracious, grave wenches
Those lads courageous
Tales and stories
Old and gracious

Oh transport me there
Where time doth stand still
Oh bring forth that age
Life had more meaning still

Lead me from here
This frivolous shallow vale
Bring forth that shore
Breezy, windy, gale

I pine like a sore
Open wounded bird
I belong not here
Know not elsewhere

Eccentric my demeanor
Lost is my Soul
Broken my Heart
Fretful Life, as a whole

Fill in that gap
Sow me that Hope
Wholesome the weed
With flowers of dope

Endless to the sleep
Flailing no more
Calm let me lie
In those lands of lore.

Of the sea I form...

This ocean runs in my veins. It is me. I am but a drop in it.

Calm, yet restless.

Moving, and yet still.

Deep as depths. Shallow waves on the beach.

Paradoxical, moving yet unmoving, emotional and destructive, but soothing and comforting.

Only someone raised in a coastal region could relate to this behemoth. You can't ignore it. You are born to love it. It emcompasses your whole being. This ocean. This mere waterbody is everything.

Imagine diving into the depths. The silence. The complete and total isolation. That enormous sense of suppressed power, pulsating all around.

Bouying, cool water surrounding your being. Threat of the unknown. Primal, lurking sense of foreboding. Sharks, whales, who knows what! And yet...

And yet, that stupendous sense of powerful surrender to nature. The never ending, ever stretching, all encompassing vastness of saltiness. That brooding, moving mass which makes you float on itself and yet threatens to gulp you down its own unknown depths.

So why am I never scared of that water? Why do I feel so effortlessly powerful in that ocean? It soothes me, while stirring me with action. It teases me into mischief while calming down the repressed anger. That sea calls me and wants me to drown myself in its own depths, while egging me onwards with living my best life.

It binds me to itself with ancient promises, and unshackles me to live my days on my own terms.

I am made of the sea. I belong to the sands. The sea breeze lives in my tresses. I walk where the moon rests. I am the coast.

Waiting...

That eternal wake, that soul crushing certainty. That ecstatic emotion. I am the feeling of doom. To the sea I merge.

Of the sea I form...

Psychedelic Dreams

I am drifter being
Straying away

Unshackled, unchained

Riding the waves
Drunk on fun

Where would
This path go?
Where does it
Lead on?

How would
This way fare?
How green,
Thy meadows!

Fly high, up to
The bright, blue sky
Float on clouds
Say, wassup dude with lute!

Sun setting,
Moon rising,
Tide crashing,
World spinning...

Psychedelic dreams
Colourful dreams
Rising above streams
Rainbow beams

Never ending music
Everlasting songs

Ride the tide
Of ecstasy
As long as it lasts.

There would be no fall
To this high
There is no end
To this fantasy.

Kublakhan happened
In an opium haze.
Wonder what occurs
In my beer daze.

Castles in air etc
Aiming high praise etc

Wandering outta comfort zones
Reaching elusive tropes

I achieve this
In stupor.
Wonder what I get
Sober.

High I am
On happiness today,
Treading clouds
And dreams of the day.

Stupid hopes,
Hopeless dreams,
Dreams colourful,
Colours rainbowful,
Rainbows unicorny,
Unicorns psychedelic!

Gimme gimme this life
Life of hopes
Hopes of peace

Peace of the sea
Waves of the sunny dales
Dales of wintry shine
Shining moony nights.

Riding on tides,
Happy rides.

Gimme gimme this stupor
This happy torpor

End this pain endless
Endless be the fantasy,
Fantastic be those shores
Mother of pearl cores.

Gimme this year long
Ride along
Dear ride along...

The Little Things

Soft twittering outside the window
Feel of a beloved pet's warm fur
And their heartbeat

Sound of fluttering wings
Breeze in the boughs
Spring blooms
Summer siestas

Walking barefoot on grass
Or sands of a calm beach
Ebb and flow of waves
Surf spray, salty sea breeze

Sitting at the window, watching the world go by
Rain pattering lightly
Hot chai on a winter morning

Vacation days or long weekends
Late mornings and warm bedding
Dinner outings
Movie and lunch plans

Long talks with an old buddy,
Sitting on a bench,
No track of time

Fresh air, greenery, flowers
Holding a sleepy kitten while it dozes
Watching birds fly free

Little things,
All around us.

Just to be lost in these small things,
Brings peace and joy,
Makes the world right itself,
Energises the Soul,
Lightens the Heart.

For others, let there be
Sweeping, flaming victories.

Give me the well thumbed book,
The slow pace of daily life,
The mundane, the ordinary, the small matters of tiny twittering, mewing creatures,
The sea shore and the peace.

Small little joys
Daily.

I am a dangerous gal!

Intoxication and anger,
Deadly cocktail.

I have been sleepless
Past so many nights.

Tonight I shall dream,
Of determination and goals.

Give up, I never will,
'Coz nobody taught me that.

This night is happy,
This gal is dangerous.

Dear life, my love,
Stop cornering me so.

You know I shall win,
You know I shall spar,
You know it isn't wise,
To corner me so!

Every single instance,
When you challenged me.
I beat you and humiliated you.

Stop this nonsense.
This is a determined gal,
With nothing to lose.

I will win always.
Fate surrenders to me
Each time.

Accept defeat,
Dear Life.

We can still,
Co-exist in peace.

Why are you fighting a losing battle?
Why do you put me in a spot?
What is the point of it all?
I will win, and humiliate you,
Like always.

Independent.
Self-made.
Determined.
Confident.
Positive.

I am a threat to you,
My dear Life.

Stop and accept defeat,
While you can

You know I will win.

I know I will win.

Like always.
I am dangerous when cornered.

Party Invitation

The world is happy
All beings are invited

Nature's joyful party
Has started in full swing.

Thunder is killing it
With reverberation of its percussion

Lightning's viscous dance
Charges through divinity

Leaves sway, palms headbang
Grass is bee-bopping

It's a rain dance
Clouds came with ample supply.

Springs tinkle and tattle
Waterfalls resonate their bass

Frogs are in full treble
Birds chirping their plaint

Pitter patter of tiny feet
Little critters dancing, jumping

Wolves provide a haunting track
Lending their voices in synchronicity

Wonder what the silences
Underneath the ocean sing

The music is divine
Among the bamboos
Mysterious, ethereal
Blending smoothly
In the background

Winds whoosh
The breeze swishes

Join the watch, humans
Dance along, be merry

Such music is unique
To this beautiful blue planet

Such a party doesn't happen elsewhere

Oh to be alive here!
To be witness to life's small mercies

The petrichor emanating
From the Earth
Winds super charged with
Energy and happiness

All beings dancing and drenched.
This medley of sights and sounds.

Join in, dear heart
The universe calls
All beings are invited
To the ethereal dance party.

Acceptance

Darkness is not always negative. It could be an escape, a hiding spot.

Wisdom lies in not letting the darkness take over. Let the light inside the Soul always shine bright. Accept the darkness for what it is, but know that it always leads back to light.

When it is time to come out of this dark, brooding hibernation, hope comes rushing back inside.

I imagine a world around me, which is an empty canvas. My imagination is a paintbrush, painting a rainbow of colours which are brand new.

My heart is full of stories, untold. My ears full of music, unsung. My feet move with a dance, unseen.

Soaring high above the mundane, marking out new horizons, charting out new destinations.

Introspection is over. Now it is the time for action.

It is ok if my goals got destroyed. No point in crying over spilt milk. Time to set new goals, and tell no one.

There are no dreams anymore. Dreams are now goals to be achieved. I no longer consider them separate entities. I want it all and get it I shall!

It isn't easy to be in a dark place. It isn't difficult to get out too, when you have people to pull you out. When all you have to do is accept the darkness.

Acknowledge its existence. Don't fight it like an enemy. Reason with it instead, and it stays hidden. Don't let the lights go out.

Gypsy

I am a nomad.

This chase just never ends. Seemingly, things always fall into place. It is just phases which pass. Paths which wind and unwind.

But it is never enough.

There is not a single moment with absolute peace. Never a moment without doubts, anxieties, insecurities,..

It just never ends.

Something is always missing. The blessings fall just short of total happiness.

It just never ends.

Being happy and grateful in what is given. Never expecting anything more. Always falling short of something.

Always expected to stay within means of what is, and not go after what "might have been."

This chase never ends.

The hope never dies.

The dreams never cease to exist.

The longing stays. The heart refuses to give up. It burns, rises, burns, and rises. The Life never goes out.

It just is, never enough.

This nomad, never settles. Always looking ahead. Always hunting, for that idyll. Always determined to reach that evasive destination.

That hearth which would be Complete. Where nothing falls short. Where there is absolute peace. Where I truly belong.

This nomad, keeps trudging along. Leaving behind hopelessness, disappointments, compromises, pain, insecurities,..

This nomad will only settle for the unattainable.

My heart, my gypsy, oh my Fool! It just never ends, does it!

Survivor's guilt

Life and death are natural parts of all lifeforms on this beautiful blue planet. It is part of existence. Circle of Life.

We are raised with this understanding. It helps to cope up with loss. Keep us going on in the same world where our loved ones no longer walk.

Life surrounds us. Noise, music, chatter, laughter. Sobs, tears, agony, anger, fights. Growing up, chasing happiness, running away from fears, accepting defeats, learning lessons, mentoring the young, looking forward to always having a Home to go back to in the evening.

Bittersweet picture. Such is Life.

Death though, sometimes leaves us totally shattered.

Suicide.

Someone ended their life. What happens to the ones they left behind? Do they really survive?

I have been largely silent about this since the age of 13. It has to be said finally. Out loud. I will always and forever exist with a survivor's guilt.

I don't judge people. A very young life has shown me some gloomy scenes and I won't ever blame someone for wanting to end their life. Only that person knows what they were going through. Only they know why it was time to go. So, I will not talk about right and wrong, moral and otherwise. I don't like these words anyway.

Are you a survivor? Did you lose someone to a suicide? Do you live daily with a sense of responsibility for that act? Even though you didn't really cause it? Are you guilty in your own court?

We all have these courts in our minds. Not for other people, but for ourselves. It is here that we analyse and over analyse, argue and counter-argue. We pass judgements on our self to either exonerate or punish.

What does this court say? Guilty, your honour!

Yes, I have loved and lost. Holi just passed, and these memories came flooding, rushing back. Guilty, my dear Lord in heaven. Guilty of being helpless.

All I can do now is pray. Pray that you find peace. Pray that you forgive us all. I always wanted you to be happy. I pray that you will forgive me. I know you only wanted to be happy.

The winds continue their course, the rivers still merge into the sea, the sea still has its ebb and flow, the sun still rises and sets, the moon still waxes and wanes. The birds still chirp. Life moves on.

The part of my existence which knew you, will never be whole again. We all will have that part missing. We may laugh, love, hope, and dream. But forget we never will.

We are all guilty. Guilty survivors. Guilty of watching a life end in such a short span.

Guilty till the last day of our existence, on this beautiful blue planet.

Disappointments

Sea

Slippery sands, lilting waves
Salty breeze

Rushing, gushing
Retreating, pushing ahead

Scorching afternoon sun
Waves dancing
With crowns of fire

Pristine serenity
Despite so much turmoil

Just like my Heart

Outwardly peaceful
Despite all the turmoil

The muggy winds
Brushing and lifting my hair
Caressing with love
Putting pain away

Can I stay here forever?

Watch the sun
Set
Watch the moon
Rise

Sounds of the ocean
Sounds of ethereal music

Washing away realities
Taking away disappointments

Let me be here forever

Watch the cosmic dance
Moved by the symphony
Rising crescendo
Ebbing and flowing

With the sea

Forget that I exist
For a while

Forget
Daily rigmarole

For just a little while more

Sands of Time

Slipping away

From beneath my feet

Losing control

Life is just like these free winds

Fate no longer

Bending to my will

Cornered

Over and over again

Fighting back

Befriending my demons

To do it

Over and over again

These bones are

Now tired

This mind

Looking for rest

This heart

Burnt to ashes

I spread these

Over the angry waves

Take away this existence

Bring forth a new one

Just like the sun sets over the horizon

And rises again like a phoenix

Let me rise too

Let me be new

Give me that glimmer of hope

Give me a sign

Give me a reason

As I take a dip

In these warm waters

Wash away the exhaustion

Of my Soul

As I immerse myself in faith

Tell me, my belief is true

Free my shackles

Give me wings

Let me fly

On the winds of Time

Lift me up

I can fight no more

Accept my surrender

My strength is depleted

Arms are weary

Weapons are exhausted

Here I stand defeated

My ego forfeited

Let's end this battle

Let's wave the white flag of peace

I have been humbled

Life has won over

Let me stay here now

By the Sea.