Good to be a loner

People sit around, chat, play, gossip.

But I sit in a corner, busy in my own world. Reading, or browsing the net for abstract things. Or just about anything other than what the larger group is doing.

I don't have anything against them. They are friends, I am usually a part of the activities, but today is not that day. It is something I do many times. Just be by myself. Enjoying my alone time. I will be with them when I want to be. And they respect this about me.

That is what friendship is about. I accept their various idiosyncrasies and they accept mine.

People are a package deal. The good, the bad, the ugly and the weird.

We automatically accept this about our friends but somehow fail to do it with relationships. The romantic partners are expected to fit the idea of perfect partner in our head. Is this what is wrong with our times? The idea is imaginary, but the person with us is real. Why do we ignore this? This is universal. And everybody is unhappy.

The person who doesn't find the perfect partner is unhappy. The person who pretends to be the idea in their partner's head is also unhappy. They have suppressed their real self to make someone happy. And it still doesn't last. It is a deception.

I stand away from the crowd and observe all the pretentions. People pretending to be model employees for that minor promotion.  Then living the rest of their life in misery.

People pretending to be always happy, and hiding their tears in the rain.

People pretending to be perfect sons and daughters and never revealing the pain of sacrifices. Always assuming that the sacrifice will be appreciated. And always being taken for granted because they are expected to be perfect. They are not allowed to fail, not allowed to make independent choices or decisions.

I see this. Everyone trying to belong. Hoping to be accepted. Conforming to expectations set by others. Ignoring the life they want. To live the life they are expected to have.

Is this the reason for so much unhappiness around us today? Is this why everyone is dissatisfied?

Why are we all running so much? What are we trying to achieve? What have we achieved so far? Are we really happy with what we have achieved? How many times have we stopped running for a minute and asked ourselves these questions?

When the running is over, am I going to be content with the life I lived? What loves, and passions, and interests have I killed to earn the things I was expected to earn?

Do I really want what I have right now?

My true nature

At times, I just find myself disinterested in the events around me. As if, it doesn't even matter what the world cares about. It doesn't matter how it affects my own life. I just want to be elsewhere. Doing something better.

Maybe just read a book. Or watch a movie. Or pass my time on the internet. Or just sleep.

Have a heart-to-heart chat with a friend. Watch the rain, sipping hot cup of tea, listening to the pitter-patter drum-roll music. Hum a melody. Sing-along to a slow, soothing rhythm.

Maybe, have a philosophical debate about things that are on a higher strata of existence. Or just brood over the intellectual scarcity in the world, in general.

Or just sit and write down my thoughts. Like I am doing now.


Today seems to be a day when my mind refuses to come down to the practical, everyday level of thought. It wants to wander into the ethereal. Wonder about Universal Truth. Dream about what could have been......
Plan for an ideal life...!

I want to focus on a future where I am not tied down to mediocrity. Where I have the freedom to live as per my own terms. Where I could rise above the mundane.
A time when there would be no worry about "bread-and-butter." When I would be free to make decisions for things that matter to me.

Where there would be no need to tolerate gossips, work politics, family mind-games, trivialities and banalities that form the crux of most human lives

To see a day when I would be completely rid of all ridiculous bonds. Living a fuller, more meaningful life. Where I wouldn't be forced to stoke empty egos and indulge in futile diplomacy. To speak my mind and walk away when I want to.

Freedom to breathe fresh air. Move away from the air-conditioned confines of a corporate desk-job.

Freedom from unnecessary complications.
Freedom to choose.

Just be.
Myself.

Free.

Music is Magic

Music.

Sometimes, it tip toes through the daisies, whooshes like a wing, scurries away like a bunny. Like mild night sounds, helping you relax and go in a deep sleep.

At times, it is a soft breeze on the face, waking you like the mild warmth of the morning Sun. Slowly spreading over the entire being. Touching the Soul. Full of a new day's hope.

Music that lifts you and makes you soar into the clouds. Creates a land of make believe. Full of positive thoughts, assurance of success. Lifts your spirits and makes you go out there and go behind all those dreams. Make them come true.

It bounces your feet up and down in a celestial dance. When mind, body, soul are united in rhythm. No reason, no occasion, no celebration. Just the pure joy of being alive and the happiness of the melody.

The raga and taal of Indian classical. The crescendo of an orchestral harmony. The soothing melody of a ghazal. The eccentricity and pure rebellion of electronic dance.

Music. Food for the Soul.
Wings for the Mind.
Therapy. Healing. Joy.

Kaleidoscope of memories. Rainbow of dreams. Bridge between hearts. Music is the Magic that lives on.

Annoyed

Call me old fashioned.

I belong to the school of thought, which respects people who have made great contributions to building a Nation. And continue to respect them after their death, too.

The internet invasion, though, has spawned a new breed of humans called "arm-chair experts". They get all their so-called information from search engines and conspiracy theories. Worst part is, their articles get paid just for a click. So, they just need to give it a really eye-catching title (controversial opinions are most welcome) and people are bound to click it. Even if you find out that the article itself is just propaganda and choose not to share it, the writer still earns from it. Just because it got a click! Someone read it.

So, now there is a spate of these on social networking, internet and on sundry search engines. A plane goes missing, open the most popular search engine, hunt down a few rubbish theories, make your own consolidated article, publish. And voila! Traffic!

Somebody who was well respected all over the world, made such precious contributions to a country, put in tremendous efforts towards education and earned love and respect everywhere. He suddenly dies. The world mourns. But the internet experts dig out crap and post-humously try to defame this leader. Where were you when he was alive and well? If your research is so accurate, why didn't you file a PIL? Why write defaming rubbish after they are dead?

On one hand we have these who tear apart a beautiful life and recreate a macabre picture in front of the world. On the other, we have common people like you and me, making a "hero" out of a convicted terrorist!

What the f*** is wrong with this generation?

When did we become so self-obsessed, selfish and unconcerned? The general apathy is disgusting. Nobody cares. All everyone around us is concerned about is their own life.

My house, my family, my monthly budget, my interests, my likes, my dislikes!

How about - my city, my country, my government, the scams done by my country's citizens, the lack of awareness in my life, my tax payments misused and abused all the time!

When will we become more aware? There are rampant crimes happening in broad daylight! And what do we get busy with?
Moral policing, ban on stupid things, judging people by their clothes, their background, their education, their class and caste and skin colour!

Our politicians don't remember a person for what he did in his life. After his death, they denounce him from his religion because he read religious books of others. They don't have respect for a woman who made her way into the parliament by sheer hard work and her wonderful capabilities. They first attack her qualification and when that doesn't work, they call her a waitress.

The Prime Minister of our country comes from a humble background. Did that stop him from reaching where he is today?

Now my concern is you guys who are reading this. What do you really care about? Don't you care about your surroundings? These events are happening right around you? How can you not care? How can you let people get away with bullshit! Stop sharing rubbish. Be aware. Be responsible.

Don't become part of the negativity. We already have too much of it. Spread awareness, spread truth, spread happiness. Be a better person. It doesn't really take much effort.

Noise

I drift. Like a wind-blown leaf. Watching the world pass with its daily mundane activities.

Laughter, tears, anguish, celebrations, mourning.....

Every person. Running to reach somewhere. Restless. Impatient. Unbent. Relentless

Sometimes I too, get swept along in the mad rush. Then detach again. Watching. Just watching. Observing.

There are billions of worlds. Each person's own little world. All smug in their own self-importance. Oblivious to the reality. Unconcerned about their littleness.

Every day. All day. Noon and night. Living, breathing.

And I then try to shut out the noise.

Focus on the joy.

The sparrows chirping and hopping around. The crow at someone's window, demanding his lunch. Pigeons, with their annoying mocking sounds, strutting about the sill. A cat stretched out in a patch of sunlight. A kitten frisking nearby, with a serious case of ADHD! Dogs chasing bikes, greeting friends (human as well as dog-kind).
Green grass in the garden. Rain and its pitter-patter tattoo on the roof. A good book and a hot cup of strong coffee. Watching my movie collection on the laptop.
The green hill slopes and small lakes, seen from a bus window. Turning off the noise of fellow travelers and turning on some good trance music in my ears. Observing people outside my bus, people in vehicles, people on the road, people outside their houses. Watching  a small minute of their day as I pass by.

Shut out the noise. Just me, my thoughts. My eyes look but my mind is not involved with what the eyes see.

Peaceful. Tranquil. Beautiful. Each day begins like this. Even if it doesn't, I make sure I turn it around.

The personal worlds of each person don't care about my existence. Their noise is their own to handle.

I have my peace to maintain. I don't need a holy book, a deity or an idol to find peace. God shows Himself around me everywhere. In all the things that give me happiness. In the small creatures going about their day, chirping, woofing, meowing, scurrying and digging. In the hawk that swoops and glides above all the chaos. In the various shades of green and blue and purple and red of Nature. In the music that uplifts the Soul and frees the mind.

That is my peace, my joy. That is where you will always find me. Away from all the noise. Detached. Tranquil. Free.

Bird’s eye view

I take off on a flight of fancy. Imagine myself detached from the routine. Look at life like an observer rather than a player. Observe myself being the player. The set, the characters, the story, the music…….all playing it out like a film. Like flying in the sky, far away from the events. But still observing all the events as they unfold. In my own life.

Breaking away all the bonds that tie me to my life.

......being on the road at night. Rubies of tail-lights shining ahead of me. Diamonds of head-lights approaching from the right. All these vehicles moving between the vigilant eyes of three rows of street-lights. When I reach the top of a fly-over, the sight of an entire road full of rubies and diamonds stretched out till the horizon, climbing on the next fly-over.

......the various soft toys arrayed in the back windows of so many cars. Sometimes a kid on the back seat, looking out of the window and giving a shy smile, or making a funny face, or frowning for no reason. Sometimes, a pet dog looking straight at me and staring as if it has known me all my life.

 

......a bike ride to nowhere. Scenes, houses, meadows, hills, people, buildings, colours, sounds and noise………
All part of just a passing moment of my life. I move ahead and they cease to exist for me. Get replaced by something else, which too passes in a moment. But each moment carving out it’s own chapter in someone’s life as I breeze past and become part of the background for them.

And I keep soaring. Now touching the sky, now skimming over the road. Fleeting feelings, which sometimes brush past my heart, sometimes cause pain, sometimes stay with me forever no matter where I go.

I have left so much behind me. I have come so far ahead. There is nothing but the wide, infinite spread of the sea and the sky, the sound of gulls, the swish and splash of the waves, the salty tang in the air and complete peace in my heart.

Like I have reached the end of my journey. This is where I always wanted to be. Nobody to be seen. Just me and the sea and the sky. And my Almighty, deep within my heart.

I wish I could stay here forever. Where nothing and nobody reaches me. No people to judge me, nobody to cause any pain, no expectations to meet, no restrictions of time and tide and no society trying to make me their own.

But I always need to turn back. Go back to the old grind.

I wish I could stay here forever. Where the sea meets the sky and there is nobody in sight. Where the whole world is behind me and I have left all behind. This is where I belong. This is who I am. This is where I am accepted as who I am. This is where I needed to be all along.

The Critic

Of all the various talents bandied about town, the most subtle is criticism. Oh yes, it's a talent! After all, giving an opinion which nobody has asked for and making sure that it is not only heard but also, at times acted upon, got to be appreciated!

When a kid, with eyes full of dreams and positive plans for the future, proudly tells their parents what subjects they want to pursue in college.....give me one example where there has been immediate and total acceptance of his/her dream/goal/ambition. Can't think of any, can you?

When you chose to work at your current job/position, how many supporters did you get?
"I still think you should have been more persistent with the HR of XYZ" (Well, I gave the interview and I know they didn't select me. If you are so confident, why don't you try there?)
"Wait for some more time, keep trying at other places, you will get a better package" (And you will be paying for my household expenses in the meantime, I presume?)

No matter where you go, weddings, funerals, parties, just commuting.....they are all around you. From telling you exactly how to stand in a crowded Mumbai local train to telling you how your deceased uncle could have survived a few more years, if he had followed their advice.....they have it all sorted in their arm-chair philosophy.

How do you distinguish between someone who genuinely wants to help and The Critic. Well, it's simple. A person who wants your well-being to be prioritised, will provide sound advice, many times agreeing with your decisions and providing sensible and practical thoughts.

The Critic will be just that. Criticising everything and everyone on a wholesale. They are highly opinionated and they want to express their tupenny-worth ideas irrespective of whether anybody is listening or is interested. They will sneak-up on you when you least expect and will not leave you till they had their say about --> what you are doing at that time --> why it is wrong--> how it should be actually done--> how someone else who followed this advice is now extremely rich and successful--> how someone else who did not follow their advice is totally ruined in life.

Did an image just pop-up in your head about someone you know? Aah, now you get it! See? That is The Critic.

So, how do you deal with them. Haha. You can't deal with them! When you see them, you gather all your things and run!
If you can't run, then you listen to every single thing they say.....and do the exact opposite! And watch the fun.

The Critic gave a friend quite an earful for the choice of wall-colour and told them to paint their walls pale yellow. The friend painted them pale green instead, plus added a single wall full of rich, velvety red paper with exotic self-design. They got compliments from all and The Critic went green with envy. Maybe The Critic is now telling you how my friend's wallpapered house has seepage and has ruined everything inside and out!

The Critic told me to wear a golden anarkali to my cousin's wedding and offered to lend me their own. I politely refused and wore a midnight blue lehenga. Well, I heard they were talking about why I will never receive any marriage proposals my whole life and how many "boys" have rejected me!

They are among us. They exist and carry on with their talents. You can't always escape them, but you have to learn survival skills. You may banish some known Critics from your invitation list, but someone you invited might turn out to be a newly-born Critic. You just learn to recognise one and stay alert to deal with them.

The Critic should always be treated with caution and the correct dosage of disdain.

Let them be themselves, leave them alone. And never criticise a Critic! Let them talk and rant. You are under no obligation to do what they say. Just don't tell them that. Doing things your way is enough to put them off and look for another prey.

So beware! They are on the prowl. You could be next!

Midnight snack + movie + romantic jazz = lazy weekend

The problem with working night shifts is, you are perpetually confused on weekends. Should I sleep the whole day off and stay awake at night? Or should I utilise the day to complete pending work from the week and sleep at night? But then if I sleep on Saturday and Sunday night, I won't get sleep on Monday morning. I will be awake all day and in the evening I gotta work!

I won't talk about the solution. I have given up finding one just because it's the same story every weekend.

I just follow my whims, basically.

So, today I read a book. Mystery thriller. I love those. Then had dinner while still reading it. Kept reading it till late in the night. By the time I got bored of reading more, I was hungry.

So out comes a piece of cheese, a big helping of flavoured cheese-spread (yeah, I love eating all the yummy things) and a large bunch of grapes. It has to have the accompaniment of a nice movie. I decided on Gosford Park.

Story based in early 1930s, old English countryside, large mansion, too many servants, titled people.....the whole nine yards. Well, this is not a review for the movie. I am just a sucker for all the British-landed-gentry-melodrama stories. I love watching Downton Abbey.

I get totally lost in these period dramas. The life seems so totally removed from reality. These people are always getting dressed to the nines, looking pretty, hosting dinners and hunting parties and soirees and never have to do a single day's hard work. They have a posse of servants working for them! Imagine someone hovering over you, helping you wear your clothes and accessories and then end of the day, hovering over you, helping you undress!! Creepy!

Yeah well, each to his (or her) own. Can't deny that the movie had lovely music. I especially got thoroughly lost in the melody of  "The Land of Might-Have-Been" – Ivor Novello (Sung by Jeremy Northam). It plays twice, once during the movie and again during the end titles.

Beautiful, soulful.........this song took me back to sunlit summer afternoons, laidback days, daydreaming and lounging. With nothing to worry about. No responsibilities. Life, when it used to be brimful of promise and everything was right with my world. And I am still lost in that world of dreams.

"We shall never find that lovely land of Might-have-been;
I can never be your king, nor you can be my Queen;
Days may pass, and years may pass,
And seas may lie between;
We shall never find that lovely land of Might-have-been."

--------------By Ivor Novello, 1924

----Courtesy - https://chandlerozconsultants.wordpress.com/2012/08/17/the-land-of-might-have-been-britain-1936-37-chapter-one-the-road-to-the-berlin-olympiad/

A series of unfortunate incidents

I had a minor setback today. Needed to wait back at work extra for an activity. Then while leaving, got to know that there is a major traffic jam on my regular route. So we decided to take another route home. Got a flat tyre on the way. Finally we are on our way home again.

This made me analyse the changes that have taken place in me. A few years ago, I would have been extremely angry and short with everyone in the same situation. Today, I am calm and just focussed on the resolution.

Maybe, it is just experiencing life in general. Maybe, it was some effort I put to control my short tempered nature over the years. Maybe, it is just a natural change with changing times.

It is a good change and made me think over my whole day today. I faced a disappointment personally which had completely spoilt my mood. I was upset, lost in my thoughts, irritable and waiting for the day to get over.

Then towards the end, these above things happened. But they didn't affect me more. I stayed normal and took it in my stride.

I guess I must just focus on the good parts of the bad events daily and not just on a day when I am happy. Unfortunate things will keep happening. Life will continue to throw surprises. Not all of them would be welcome from my standpoint. But why waste time, energy and my positivity for these little everyday things?

This is routine. Shit happens. You move on. I should keep telling myself this daily for now. Maybe, this is also something I will soon naturalise.

Emotions are energy. What happens with me, what people say or do around me is all energy. I am attracting these things towards myself. And I know this. So, let's stay focussed on being positive. Spread cheer and it will come back. Who wants to be surrounded by gloomy darkness, anyway!