On Borrowed Time

Time and tide wait for nobody.

Yes! Very clichéd, hackneyed. I know!

But truth. Undisputed truth. Time never waits for anyone. What is once lost is lost forever.

There is, however, an exception. Life does let you borrow some Time. Without us asking for it, expecting it or hoping for it. Life is unpredictable and this is one of its many unpredictable blessings.

Borrowed time.

How will you spend it?

What are you planning to do with these few moments?

Let me speak for myself!

I want to spend every waking moment of my borrowed time with my people. Family, friends, fellow humans who matter to me. I want to give them these last few hours of happiness and hope. The last good things that they will remember me by.

I want to make memories. I want to get drunk. On Life, Dreams, Hope and Miracles; till all of these things cease to matter.

I want you to be a part of these memories. Integral and imperative. I want US to be the moment rather than us living a moment.

My breath here is limited. My time here is short.

I'm a beggar, living on borrowed alms. Existence has condescended with this blessing, and I need to make the most of it.

Let me fly on the wings of birds, let me jump with kittens, let me sing with the sea and, bask in the sun.

You will still be around when I am no longer thought of. Let me make this moment shine for you, never allowing you to forget.

Let me be myself for now. Tomorrow I might not be awake.

I'm here on borrowed Time.

Allow me to be mad. Allow me to be silly. Allow me to be ME.

Pedestal

This world is like a highway. Scurrying at top speed to reach somewhere. Most people don't even know where they are headed.

It's heady, dizzying, manic. I sometimes take a break.

Put myself above it all.

Observe the world going by like an observer. Like I don't belong.

Detach.

Look. Don't react.

Fleeting moments, people, conversations will spark memories. Memories, come and go. Pull the Heart down. But the Soul remains unaffected. It just is.

Sometimes, grief reaches a point beyond return. It spirals downwards into an abyss of remembering. Memory lane is not all it is touted to be. It opens wounds and pain gushes out in torrents.

This human existence, though thought to be a passing thought in the greater Universe, is a painful existence. We are ruled by emotions. Emotions are temperamental creatures. Taming them is all we do, all our life, and thus exist.

Music is the best remedy. Nature created music. Humans made it evolve into soul stirring sound bites. It brings back half forgotten incidents and people. It makes you smile, cry, laugh, dance and groove.

Music heals open wounds.

Music helps in going on the pedestal and standing there. Observing myself, my surroundings, people, randomness.

There was a time when I wanted my life to  be filled with adventures and excitement. When Life really happened I realised the worth of the Mundane.

Aren't we all the same?

We go about our daily routine, never second guessing the ingrained habits. Only when we are challenged to move out of this comfort zone, we all become "doubting thomases".

We crave freedom from our shackles when we are going about the expected rigmarole. We don't even realise that our reality has already become our cocoon. When we break out of this cocoon and our ideal life smiles down and greets us, we are scared.

We scurry back trying to get back into the cocoon. It is already broken. We try to build another cocoon. We try to stay hidden. We want to actually remain ambiguous, mundane and mediocre.

Why else, are we always running away from our fantasies? Why are we so scared that they will come true?

Is it because these dreams are our only escape from reality? If they truly come true, we won't have anything to escape from? What are we escaping from anyway? Why are we always trying to run away?

Why are we always running, actually? Where are we going?

Have you ever thought about it?

Yun Hota Toh Kya Hota!

We shall never find that lovely
land of might-have-been.
I can never be your king nor
you can be my queen.
Days may pass and years may pass
and seas may lie between–
We shall never find that lovely
land of might-have-been.

----Ivor Novello

This song appears in a movie called Gosford Park.

Then there is the end credit scene in the movie La La Land. Even though the scene is accompanied by a beautiful jazz score, its premise always reminds me of the song above.

These scenarios raise a lot of questions in my mind about modern romantic relationships. Where have we gone wrong?

When it comes to any other type of human relationship, it looks like we are more flexible, we put in more effort, we refuse to give up on each other, we find it difficult to lose faith in our loved ones. We forgive, too.

So what goes wrong when there is romantic involvement with another human being? What is lacking in our generation? We give up too soon. We have lost faith. We aren't making enough effort. We are selfish. We refuse to forgive.

Friends come in all crazy forms. We love them all. They are annoying, loony, deplorable at times. But we still want them in our lives. They are the family we have chosen for ourselves and the friendships have grown from strength to strength over a period of time. We can't imagine our lives without all these colourful characters around us!

Family.
We didn't choose them and yet we love them unconditionally. We live with their idiosyncrasies, their whims, their tantrums. In return, they too tolerate us where someone else might kick us out of the house.

Friends. Family members. They are a package deal. The good, the best, the worst, the ugly. We accept it all, no questions asked.

What goes wrong with romance, then? We stalk our ex, build castles in the air about how life would have been if we were still together, we get jealous when they move on to something better. Or someone better. The land of might have been...

Yun hota, toh kya hota? Kyu? Jab tha tab kyu nahi sambhala?

Something has seriously gone wrong with us. Agreed, our dreams and aspirations have evolved. Our expectations and lifestyles have changed. We live in a fast paced, materialistic, ambitious age. Despite that, our equation with the rest of humanity has evolved in a better sense. Families are more friendly than they used to be in our parents' or grandparents' times.

Not romance, though. It is dying around us. We expect too much, forgive less, move on too quickly, walk out more often, give up too soon.

Romance is just reduced to swiping left or right. Quick dates and fast judgements. Frivolous and shallow expectations. No willingness to adjust. Too much focus on our own desires.

We no longer make efforts to combine our dreams with our partner's and come to a middle ground. We are so rigid about what we want, we no longer care about what they are looking for. If we do find someone who makes adjustments for the relationship, we take them for granted, call them weak and push them away.

Gone are those days when commitment was a way of life. People didn't run away from it. That commitment was from both partners and not just one piling expectations on another and the other just burdened under sacrifices. Our parents did find a middle ground and respected each other equally. It was a refreshing change from the gender based roles in the generations before them.

By the time we became adults, our idea of relationships have become so skewed that we have no clue most of the times about what we want.

Loyalty is looked down upon like some out of style commodity. Monogamy is for the losers who had difficulty finding even one partner. The cool people prefer multiple partners.

Ambitions rule the roost and they are selfish. Having ambitions is good, but that doesn't have to kill your relationship. It is selfish to think that the relationship could be sacrificed if both partners are ambitious. Why should there be an either-or situation? Why can't two ambitious people fulfill their individual goals and still stay together to build their dream world?

Around me, I see more and more lonely souls. Yes, I can connect with them because I am one of them. Burnt many times, broken, healed, broken again. Lonely in big crowds.

Old fashioned, sensitive, sensible people. Unable to fit in with the entitled, selfish, new age go-getters. Unable to sacrifice human emotions in exchange for short-lived, fake, superficial successes.

We keep dreaming for a rosy morning, when this darkness will fall away. When people will truly open their eyes and see the world for what it really is.

There is too much need for social acceptance. There is too much need to fit in and show how happy you are. Even when you are dying from inside.

We might be desolate, forlorn, depressed and lonely. But we will create a fake world of social media pictures around us - parties, trips, cool jobs, promotions, travels, group hugs, "besties"...
Fake. Meaningless. Pointless.

We will show the world that we are celebrating life. Why is there so much need of what the world should see? How does it matter to the world?

Behind all the celebration pictures, the reality is that we are all alone. The peers, colleagues, the schmoozing is all posed. Once the perfect selfie is clicked and posted, we turn our backs on each other and start bitching.

We don't invest in togetherness anymore. Look around. The couples who post less on social media are the ones with really successful marriages. When will we sit and take notice?

When break ups used to happen in the previous generations for reasons based on caste and religion, it was genuine. The people concerned had tried every possible thing and failed and then decided to part ways. Not so with us, no! We give up at the very beginning.

Yes, I want to be with you. But I refuse to convince my family to accept us. So we will have a "no strings attached" understanding as long as it lasts. Phir, tu tere raste, mai mere raste. Convenient, isn't it? Quite justified. Slow claps.

No, we no longer know what we want. We no longer care to look beyond our own little bubble. We are so short sighted and pompous, that we don't even realise how pathetic our existence is. We don't need to know anything outside our puny little, self-entitled world.

We will shut out people who truly care about us and then day dream about how we could have lived the perfect life if they were still around. We will run away from growing up and committing to responsibilities and then get jealous of those who found true love and happiness. We will shy away from facing real life's googlies and prefer to shut ourselves in and day dream about our own perfect reality.

This is what surrounds me. It makes me wonder what the next generation will be like! Do I want to be around to experience it?

What if, I could find more people who live in the real world? What if, more people wake from their self induced slumbers? What if...

I don't live there anymore

I dreamed about you again...

Years pass, people change,
I have changed,
And yet, a little of the pain stays.

During rains, when the windows were
Left slightly open,
The wind used to whistle,
Like a magical flute being played.

Summer days were breezy
Never a moment of muggy afternoons.

It was routine to watch
The sun setting into salt pans,
Beautiful hues of red and pink and purple and orange.
The sky reflected in the salt pans filled with water.
Water from the creek.

I dreamed again of those sleepless nights,
Awake on my bed, watching the rotating beam,
Coming from the lighthouse,
Somewhere across the mountains.

The horizon was the mountains,
Mountains on the horizon.
The creek lay beyond,
Unseen.

You were home. My home.
I don't think of you much now.

Out of the blue,
Some reference, some comment,
Reminds me again.

That dream home of ours.
You have been so real and yet so symbolic.

We broke when we left you.
Broke into pieces,
Never to be whole again.

I pass by there sometimes,
They have widened the windows,
The new people.
Hope they found the happiness,
Which we lost.

It doesn't pain as much,
As it used to.
Yet, it does pinch.

I walked through the rooms,
The passage,
Everything was just as I remember.

I felt the wind rustling through my hair
Felt the cold, comfortable tiles underfoot
Sat in my old room, staring out the window.
At the view of old, which used to exist back then.

Walked through every room,
And realised...
It's empty. It's a shell. A mere memory.
From which we run away.

The kitchen is cold, nobody cooks a family meal there.
The Mandir has no Idols.

The desk in the living room,
Will not be used by Dad.
The doorbell isn't gonna ring,
Nobody is visiting anymore.

No neighbours, coming for a quick chat
No Diwali sweets to be shared,
No rangoli made outside the door
I can't even hear the kids playing outside.

I sometimes dream of you,
Like you were in the days bygone.
But you are just a ghost now,
Because I don't live there anymore.

Yes, we moved on.
Both pieces of that once whole family.

I am still searching for my roots,
Roaming like a nomad,
Not just physically,
Even through personal relationships.

I still don't belong anywhere,
You were so symbolic.
I am yet to find a true Home,
We left you, and we broke.

The memories flood the mind,
Sweeping me through those indolent days,
Those memories which I had hidden away,
Gushing forth in a stream, through wounds which opened again.

Lost hope, heartbreaks, betrayals,
Loss. Loss everywhere.

I stitch the wounds when I wake up.
Keep up the smiles,
Square my shoulders and hold my head high.

I keep telling myself.

I don't live there anymore.

Recluse

Sometimes I wonder if it would be better to shut out everyone and be alone forever.

Conversing with people for daily routine is easy. Stick to the business, restrict the talk to what is required and then move on with your own business.

Socializing, on the other hand, is a complicated matter altogether. It is like quicksand. You get stuck deep into friendships, relationships, people, social situations. So deep that it seems impossible to come out of it.

Even after betrayals and heartbreaks.

Mind and heart unite to move on and find other people, other groups, more socializing, more complicated situations.

We become more cautious, less trusting. But we still want to go for that movie, eat at that restaurant, attend this party, walk along the sea-side...

And we don't want to do this alone. We want friends to share this with. A bunch of buddies to call our own. Or at least one person, to make memories with.

Moving on from group to group, buddy to buddy. Leaving behind the ones who hurt and hoping to find the ones who would value us. Trying to find at least one person who would stick around till the end.

Going from disappointment to anger to depression. Never knowing who to trust.

Losing faith in people, slowly but surely.

Wouldn't it be much better if I have to deal with people strictly for the necessities? Be nice and friendly to all but never make friends with anyone.

Alone. Safe to be alone. No fear of hurts and betrayals. No humans. No society. Just me. And my thoughts.

I sometimes really wonder, if I would be better off alone.

Away from the paranoia, not needing to belong, away from the noise. Alone.

Secluded in my cocoon.

A Recluse.

The Muse

Every artist has a muse. A trigger. A particular something.

This starts a new work of art. A poem. A sculpture. A story...

For me, it is a high state of happiness. Those moments when I am peaceful, happy, content, celebrating, surrounded by my people. That's my muse, that's my high, that is what inspires me to write my best.

I do write when I'm low, but it is a little mediocre, as compared to when my actual triggers are in full DING mode!

Today, my birthday, a peaceful celebration in a long time! I realised a lot of things. Like an epiphany.

I spent my formative years trying to fit in with the rest of the crowd, like most of us do. Eventually, I realised that I'm never gonna fit in. Because I was born unique. I'm not bragging, it isn't something to be proud of initially. It takes a huge amount of strength to accept that you are unique because it isn't always a thing to advertise freely.

So, I made a decision. I'm never gonna fit in. I might as well invest all that energy into standing out. I do that anyway, without trying. Best make that a way of life.

Best decision of my life!

I started creating a niche of my own. Alone but never lonely, and always happy about my unique space in this chaotic world.

Then I started meeting people who would idolize me for what I am. They wanted to "fit-in" into my niche!!

Well, I never created a niche to be a cool gal. I just wanted to forgive myself for being unique and belong in my own world. Who would know, someone would want to be part of this now! Well, this is new.

After spending most of my life feeling rejected by all, now I have a new situation. I am surrounded by people who want to follow in my footsteps. I didn't intend this to happen, but it is my reality now.

It is difficult to accept and handle this new phase where people look up to me, expect guidance, want to follow...

I laugh it off at times. I am amazed mostly. And I am grateful.

I still don't know if I have found the right direction in which to mould my life. But I know that a lot of people respect me for who I am and it matters a lot.

This takes me back to my trigger. The absolute high which starts my philosophical journey in the head.

Epiphany while listening to deep room progressive. New story ideas. New thought processes while having a beautiful intellectual conversation.

That is my muse.

It is like a ski ride. Vast, undulating slopes and mounds of pristine white snow. Free to be written over, with a new thought, verse or story. That is the beauty of White. Shwet.

It is pure and malleable in its own right. It beckons new life and new ideas. White can formulate and invent any new colour. It is just the imagination which is restrictive. No other factor to stop white from being anything.

So I ski on these undulating slopes of snow and ice and white background. Leave a painted background in my wake.

Depression can be all consuming and omnipresent.

But when you can ski in your mind's eye, who can stop you from conquering any form of evil! When you have the power of imagination, what could stop you from painting the sky pink!

I have a Heart that believes in unicorns and happy endings. I have an imagination which paints rainbows on dull, gray skies. I have a Mind which can carry me far away and beyond this mundane, earthly rigmarole.

That is my Muse. Trust the happiness within. Hear the music which isn't played. Dance the steps which nobody follows. Follow a heart which gives a Damn!

There is absolutely no point in chasing happiness. It is not a horizon which can never be reached!

Happiness is a feeling. Deep, deep inside which doesn't require any trigger. Just acknowledge it and you can feel it rising within. It expands the heart, aerates the brain,and doesn't care about anybody's approbation. It just is.

This happiness is my Muse. My imagination. My high.

As long as I accept this, nothing can keep me down for long. It is okay to be dragged down to the deepest depths of depression. What pulls me back up is this belief. In myself.

That is my Muse.

Lost Soul

Passing below
Infinite arches

Gliding over
Grand vistas

Wind whistling
Waves crashing

Never ending
Nightmare

Falling through
Skies of doom

Landing on
Clouds of Hope

No motive
No direction
Aimless
Alone

Lost.