Survivor's guilt

Life and death are natural parts of all lifeforms on this beautiful blue planet. It is part of existence. Circle of Life.

We are raised with this understanding. It helps to cope up with loss. Keep us going on in the same world where our loved ones no longer walk.

Life surrounds us. Noise, music, chatter, laughter. Sobs, tears, agony, anger, fights. Growing up, chasing happiness, running away from fears, accepting defeats, learning lessons, mentoring the young, looking forward to always having a Home to go back to in the evening.

Bittersweet picture. Such is Life.

Death though, sometimes leaves us totally shattered.

Suicide.

Someone ended their life. What happens to the ones they left behind? Do they really survive?

I have been largely silent about this since the age of 13. It has to be said finally. Out loud. I will always and forever exist with a survivor's guilt.

I don't judge people. A very young life has shown me some gloomy scenes and I won't ever blame someone for wanting to end their life. Only that person knows what they were going through. Only they know why it was time to go. So, I will not talk about right and wrong, moral and otherwise. I don't like these words anyway.

Are you a survivor? Did you lose someone to a suicide? Do you live daily with a sense of responsibility for that act? Even though you didn't really cause it? Are you guilty in your own court?

We all have these courts in our minds. Not for other people, but for ourselves. It is here that we analyse and over analyse, argue and counter-argue. We pass judgements on our self to either exonerate or punish.

What does this court say? Guilty, your honour!

Yes, I have loved and lost. Holi just passed, and these memories came flooding, rushing back. Guilty, my dear Lord in heaven. Guilty of being helpless.

All I can do now is pray. Pray that you find peace. Pray that you forgive us all. I always wanted you to be happy. I pray that you will forgive me. I know you only wanted to be happy.

The winds continue their course, the rivers still merge into the sea, the sea still has its ebb and flow, the sun still rises and sets, the moon still waxes and wanes. The birds still chirp. Life moves on.

The part of my existence which knew you, will never be whole again. We all will have that part missing. We may laugh, love, hope, and dream. But forget we never will.

We are all guilty. Guilty survivors. Guilty of watching a life end in such a short span.

Guilty till the last day of our existence, on this beautiful blue planet.