30 August 2020

Unformed Ideas



Sometimes my mind
Goes rough and tumble

Lurching into wilderness
Hurtling through expanses

Of thought and memory
Of feelings

Fleeting glimpses
Brambles entangled

Nettles and willows
Daisies aglow

Freefall of ideas
No strings, no shackles

Vast loneliness
Of unending snowscapes

Pure and pristine
Like white unwritten blanks

Rainbows in oil spills
Rainbows in soap bubbles

No rainbows in sky
Just grey droopy fog

Sliver of sunshines
Slithering away slyly

Crazy maniac meandering
Never making sense

Just let them be, let them stay
In their suspended dance

I pick them one by one
Piece them into threads
Of imaginary worlds
Like ethreal strings of pearls

To form coherence
Or to just remain insane

24 August 2020

Damaged


There is a garden in my apartment complex. My apartment windows face this garden and I stand and gaze out many times during the day.

Early morning before sunrise, there is this one bird who talks alone before anyone else wakes up. He is the first bird, and he talks incessantly - repeating the same sounds. I am not sure if he is happily chatting or cursing us, but I love his talks.

The squirrels keep scurrying along all day. They have a tree of their own right in the center of the garden. They even visit our windows daily. The sparrows also have their own tree, so do the wild parrots. Each species claiming a tree for their community - to live, build nests, bring young ones, chirp and sing and hop around and fly - to LIVE!

It's a busy garden. So many small creatures calling it home.

Watching them is like stepping into a parallel world where there is no memory of pain and struggles of human existence. It is far removed from our ego issues, tax issues, money problems - the constant push and pull of just about making it far enough to survive.

To what end, though? What are we acheiving exactly? This garden will continue on, this apartment complex will have the residents, the road outside will remain busy, the shops will keep a constant flow of goods and humans. Nothing will change. Whether we continue to be or otherwise.

The sun will rise and set. The waves will ebb and flow. The tides will keep their schedule. The winds will blow. The rain will continue to fall.

Life goes on. People stop existing. More and more of them nowadays. Falling sick, snuffed out like so many candles. Today someone woke up in the morning and went about their routine. Tomorrow's morning will rise without them. We will look up to the stars and remember the absent. Then we will snuggle into our beds and silently cry tears of regret and pain.

There is so much loss. Loss of livelihood. Loss of homes. Loss of love. Loss of life itself. Wherever you look, it is a story of strife and struggle. Humanity just trying to cope.

Broken shards of glass, living inside each heart and constantly piercing with reminders. Millions of hearts bleeding inside living bodies, going about their mundane existence with a smile on their faces. Wounds which refuse to close. Refuse to heal.

Some rainbow emerges for a while, giving small hopes and strength to go on. It takes you a little further, only for that strength to be depleted, and then sputtering this happiness to a complete halt all over again.

The feet drag on. The day rises. We get out of bed and continue. Yet another day of waiting, anticipating - either a new hope or an end to everything once and for all. Neither arrives, and back to bed we go, spent and defeated.

Day after day after day like this, only feels better with views of our small garden. This parallel world which doesn't care about diseases and depression of human minds. This world continues its peaceful existence. Nature in miniature. This is the only constant, in the daily changes around me which I can't handle anymore. Escaping into this innocent world is the only hope I have which keeps me going. The grassy pathways, the verdant foliage, the chirping and twittering, the tiny lives which are happy in their little existence close to nature.

The various colourful flowers which swish, sway, scatter petals, attract butterflies and bees. The rain which patters away on paved paths and grassy mounds. Washing and cleansing everything in its wake.

I remain enclosed inside my home. Waiting. Anticipating. Something should turn up soon, something happy, something hopeful. Dreading to know of more loss, I unplug from society. This conflict pulls me both ways until I split into multiple pieces.

I gather the pieces and try to mend myself. A shoddy repair work. Damaged and shattered. Pieced together by mere existence. Living is long forgotten. All I now am is, I exist - and that is all.

24 May 2020

Phoenix Flight

Vagabond
A heartless bitch

I lick my own wounds
Yes, I am a witch

You uproot me
But I need no belonging

I disown you
Nobody owns me

You hit me with your best
I have thick skin

You belittle me
I am too magnificent for your small mind

I don't need approbation
Won't be conforming

You take away my dreams
I fly away on new ones

You burn my love
You burn my innocence
You burn me in your hatred

I am the Phoenix!
I rise again
My ashes are my nest
My burns are my tattoos
I smite you to Hell
I am the Shrew

Untamed
Uncontainable
Unleashed upon my feiry wings
Powerful and strong

I am the Phoenix
I am my own swan song
I am the witch
The heartless bitch

I am the dance of wrath
I trample worlds beneath
My dancing rhythmic feet

I am the Phoenix
I burn and rise
Rise and burn

I am the witch
The heartless bitch

11 March 2020

Gilded Days of Old


I was always a strange child. Never really fit in. For some equally strange reason, some memories keep coming back since the past few days.

School day memories. School was at around 30 minutes walk from where we lived at that time. We had tried school bus, it made me puke. We tried the good old "Indian school autowala". That overcrowded, scary commute from days of old. That was soon given up. I was around 10 years old and could walk back home on my own. Plus, there was company for around half the distance.

There were many different paths to come home. In the morning, my path was fixed for getting to school on time. Coming back was a different matter. Each day, a different route, some longer, some shorter, some roundabout. Dawdling, gaping, gawping, picking wild flowers, ferns, chasing butterflies (really, I did. It isn't a figure of speech here)...

There was one favourite path. It went cutting through a small hill. The soil was red. It was open land for most part and would be covered in green during monsoon. I feel transported there even as I write.

Standing on a little high ground, feeling the cool breeze on my face, watching the grey-white-blue clouds lazily float away. Land carpeted with green as far as the eye could go. Weeds, wild ferns, wild flowers, some plants with round shaped compound leaves, fragrance of the wet earth, distant mountains over the horizon...

Also on the way, was a bridge which passed over a stream. During rainy season this stream would flow with vigour. It was muddy, but forceful and frothing with the speed of excess water flowing away somewhere. I would wait here, watching this stream.

A little ahead, there were these unknown trees which bore miniscule red berries in clusters. A girl who used to walk home with me used to eat them but I was too scared to eat something unknown. There was a tamarind tree, some other flowering trees like jasmine and bouganvillea. In that lane was another school where my mother was a teacher for just one year.

Near our house, the road had some evergreen trees which flowered during certain season, maybe spring. The road would be sprinkled yellow and beige when they fell. That scene has stayed with me, intact over all these years. I didn't even know it was that affecting when I lived through it all.

Wonder why all this is coming back. It feels as if that strange kid is still lost in those sleepy lanes and hillocks. She hated that place and was happy to leave when the time came. But a tiny part decided to stay behind. Those places don't even exist anymore.

I never went back to that town. I don't want to go back. My memory of that place from 30 years ago is still intact inside my head. Let it be that way, I don't want to see what has changed.

It wasn't even as beautiful as my childhood mind remembers it. I am still wondering why I am wandering back in those old haunts. Dreaming about those old houses by the road. Remembering forgotten faces with no names. Remembering old names with no faces.

Hazy, misguided, gilded memories. Cloudy, like the clouds I watched. Colourful, like the butterflies, dragonflies, flowers...

Maybe it is this weird transition which is happening right now. Passing from one stage of life, into a new one.

I have changed in the past year. Good, bad, better - not sure. But changed for sure. How I perceive things, people, events around me is different now. Life has defeated me into submission and that has somehow made me into a better version of myself. More positive, more pliable, more resilient, something paradoxical yet pleasant. This is a new phase.

Maybe my heart is reaching out to something which was laid back, innocent, idealistic, dreamy - which got forgotten. Maybe it is part of some strange kind of healing from all the pain we went through in this past year.

However it may be, these are happy memories. Gilded and picture perfect. Rose-tinted. For a change, I don't mind, nor care. It is some sort of a happy place within to get lost in. A mind's retreat of sorts.

Lazy, irresponsible days of laughing summers. Palm trees, cool nimbu sharbat, playing cards, "exploring" new spots in the neighbourhood with a bunch of oddballs like me. Climbing peru trees, day dreaming in those branches, plucking half ripe fruit...

Making a makeshift puppy home from fallen red leaves of the almond tree. Giving a night's lodging to a stray kitten which followed me home. Red gum boots for monsoon. Or were they black?

Tiny rivulets of rain water. Making paper boats. Sending off a toy plastic santa claus floating in this rivulet. Don't know why.

One particular winter was severe. We used to be cloaked and gloved and wrapped from head to foot for school in the morning. We would blow in the air and pretend that we were smoking cigarettes.

Somewhere along the way, I suddenly grew up. Asked my parents to change my school as this one wasn't helping me learn. Dad arranged to get me into his old school. I loved it even though i went there only for the last 3 years of schooling. That's where I found out what I wanted to learn in college. Languages, especially English literature. My parents were also quite supportive and didn't try to force me into Commerce or Science either of which I would have gotten into easily.

That decision is the reason I am sitting here now, able to put these thoughts and abstract dreams into actual words. That was another phase. This one is a new phase.

Something wonderful is coming along. Silently, quietly, noiselessly. I am open to receive it. Calm and peaceful. Finally.

-Painting by Pascal Campion.

14 February 2020

ख़याल थमे हुए

खाली दामन हमारा,
भर गयी, दे गयी,
किस्मत नया सहारा

ठहरी ठहरी राह
ठहरे हम थे खोएसे

चल पडे आज
जिधर मुडा सफर
गुमशुदा राहों पर
खुद को पा लिया।

अबसे तब तक
तब उस मोड़ पर
इस मंजिल के पार
उन ऊंचे मंज़रो पर

रूक ना पाए कदम
सफर खत्म न हो जाए
रूह की गहरी गुफाओं में
उजाले चमकाने हैं।
 
अब तो हमें
काफी चलना है।

रुकी राह चल जो पडी
गिनती के पार
कदमों की आहटें
पडती रहीं।

रूह की गहरी गुफाओं में
उजाले चमकाने हैं।
अब तो हमें
काफी चलना है।

22 December 2019

What got left behind?


Living on rent is a tiring life. Constantly changing houses, moving out, packing, unpacking, never settling.

Every house has a story. Most are just structures. You create a new story in each. Then you move on to the next.

Some, however, come with their own stories. These are always mysteries. Sometimes, something, stays behind after the previous tenants are gone.

It permeates the walls. Seeps through the floors. Whistles from gaps in windows. Hangs heavily from the ceiling.

Enters our life. Uninvited. Uncalled for.

Many years ago, we left a story behind in our own house, when we sold it. Our story ended there but I am sure something got left behind. I don't know how that story affected the new owners.

This time, Life gave a payback. A story lives here. Untold.
It defeated me. Broke me. Drove me out.

Less than 48 hours left here now. We are going away. We surrender.

Last thoughts?
A deep sense of Gratitude for this house. It is shelter - a place where we laughed, lived, celebrated, those small wins. This unknown story of this house made me stronger spiritually. It made me a better person. It brought out maturity, humility, patience.

This story insidiously burrowed into my well laid out plans. Effectively destroyed them. Ate away all remnants of ego. Broke all my defences.

I have better prospects now. Stronger will. Thankful, is what I feel for being broken. I got time to recoup, rebuild, reform.

My faith is so strong, that I am leaving a part of my story behind now. The story which I know well. That story which knows no defeat. The brooding energy of this house will be destroyed after we have physically vacated it, because my story will stay to fight. I want to make sure that the story in this house doesn't destroy the tenants who come after me.

My faith, love, strength, optimism, GRATITUDE, will stay behind. This house will become a positive structure for whoever lives here once we are gone.

Thank you for all you gave me. Thank you what you took away. Thank you for removing my doubts. Thank you for strengthening my beliefs. All I feel for you is gratitude.

Thank you!

11 December 2019

Land of Lore

If only the rocks
Would talk

If only the trees
Condescend to please

What have they seen?
What did they hear?
What secrets do they carry?
Of travellers who tarry.

If only I knew
Of all those
Who walked through
This world 'fore me

If only I saw
The glories of past
The victories of old
All ancient deeds

Tales of the bygone
Era of unknown
Times of the past
Tense and glad, all

No I won't abide
In the present of time
My heart beset of lore
Of days past galore

Those gracious, grave wenches
Those lads courageous
Tales and stories
Old and gracious

Oh transport me there
Where time doth stand still
Oh bring forth that age
Life had more meaning still

Lead me from here
This frivolous shallow vale
Bring forth that shore
Breezy, windy, gale

I pine like a sore
Open wounded bird
I belong not here
Know not elsewhere

Eccentric my demeanor
Lost is my Soul
Broken my Heart
Fretful Life, as a whole

Fill in that gap
Sow me that Hope
Wholesome the weed
With flowers of dope

Endless to the sleep
Flailing no more
Calm let me lie
In those lands of lore.



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